How can you be sure you’re not caught up in an addiction to chaos and drama, especially in turbulent relationships?

For nearly three decades, best-selling author, counselor, and life coach David Essel has been guiding individuals to break free from their addiction to chaos and drama in love and relationships—often uncovering patterns they didn’t even realize they had.

In his insights on stopping relationship drama, David delves into the nature of drama-driven relationships, how we become addicted to chaos, the signs of drama addiction, why it happens, examples of relationship drama, and practical steps to overcome it.

Four years ago, a young woman reached out to David via Skype, seeking counseling because she was tired of attracting men who brought chaos and drama into her life. During their first session, she shared how peaceful her life was until she got involved with a man who thrived on drama.

Over time, David discovered that all her long-term relationships, averaging four years each, were filled with chaos and drama—most of which stemmed from her own actions. Through writing assignments, she was shocked to realize that she had been the one creating turmoil in relationships that should have been built on love and care.

She even shared her dating profile, which boldly stated: “I do not deal with drama and chaos from any man. If this is who you are, don’t contact me.” This irony highlighted the disconnect between her intentions and her actions.

A truly healthy individual who seeks a drama-free relationship wouldn’t remain in a chaotic and dysfunctional partnership for years. Over the past 30 years, I’ve observed that people who claim in their dating profiles to avoid drama and chaos often end up being the ones creating it—an intriguing paradox.

To help her recognize that the chaos and drama largely stemmed from her, I pointed out that staying in a turbulent relationship for four years and blaming the partner doesn’t align with the behavior of someone genuinely seeking peace. A healthy person would have left long ago. Doesn’t that make sense?

Initially, she resisted the idea and denied any role in the dysfunction. However, as she reflected on my statement, she realized that remaining in such relationships for years meant she was part of the problem. This revelation hit her like a bolt of lightning.

For the first time, she acknowledged that she was at least 50% responsible for the chaos and drama. As we continued working together, she even admitted that she was the primary source of dysfunction in all her relationships.

How about you? Are you addicted to drama?

Reflecting on your past relationships, if most ended in chaos and drama, it’s likely that you played a significant role in those dynamics. A truly healthy individual would have moved on from an unhealthy partner early in the relationship.

Where does all this drama and chaos and love come from?

From birth to the age of 18, we absorb everything around us, particularly from our family environment. If one or both parents are in dysfunctional relationships—which is often the case—it’s highly likely we end up mirroring those dynamics as we grow older.

If your parents frequently gave each other the silent treatment, argued nonstop, or struggled with addictions such as alcohol, drugs, smoking, or food, there’s a strong possibility that you’ve unconsciously carried these patterns of chaos and drama into your adult relationships.

Our subconscious mind, from a young age, begins to associate "drama and chaos in love" with normalcy. Seeing the same behaviors repeatedly throughout childhood makes it incredibly difficult for most people to break those cycles once they reach adulthood.

Sometimes we are victims of our own childhood

Three years ago, I worked with a  couple whose 5-year relationship had been marked by constant chaos and drama. Despite the wife quitting alcohol and the husband significantly reducing his drinking, their relationship didn't improve.

The reason? Both of them grew up in dysfunctional households and were unknowingly replicating the unhealthy behaviors they had witnessed in their parents.

When I asked them to describe the negative roles their mom and dad played in their relationships during their childhood, they were stunned to realize they were repeating many of the same harmful behaviors themselves—such as impatience, judgment, arguing, name-calling, fleeing, and later returning.

In essence, they were trapped by the patterns instilled during their upbringing, without even realizing it. The subconscious mind, while immensely powerful, cannot distinguish between healthy and unhealthy behaviors when conditioned to embrace chaos, drama, passive aggression, arguments, or addiction. As a result, it endlessly reproduces the patterns it learned in childhood.